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She
stabbed me. She stuck a knife in my chest, just lightly enough not to
kill me but with such precision that would leave me bleeding on our
cold lacy sheets. There I laid helplessly gasping for air, praying
for myself to pass out in order to escape the immense pain. I wasn't
that lucky, however. With each throb of my pulsating heart, more
blood would spew out, ultimately leaving behind a grotesque
coming-together of both pure white and striking red.
Well,
to be honest, what she really did was tell me she’s been seeing
someone else. I know, gruesome, right? That's exactly why I chose to
start it off lightly so I wouldn't scare you off right off the bat.
Because one who loses the love of his life knows that there's nothing
in the physical realm that even comes close. Not even being tied down
and tickled ferociously with a feather. Not even that.
Seriously,
though, the bomb that she dropped on me truly hit hard. It was more
like a nuke than a grenade, really, if I'm being honest with you. It
just blew my mind – to smitherines. Only I didn’t really bleed –
I don't think bombs make you bleed, do they? – but I did cry almost
long enough for my eyes to bleed. I actually cried harder than I’d
ever cried in my life. Hard as a rock – a diamond, even.
After
sadness came anger. How could that no-good bitch do that to me? After
all I'd given for her she'd gone to another man for good ol' loving
and tenderness. I mean, hell, I had my own fair share of sex outside
of our marriage, but it's not like I blurted it out to her. I say if
you do some stupid shit on your spare time, then fine, that's your
life, but when you start sharing stuff like that with your spouse...
That is where I draw the line. That is when it becomes offensive.
What
came after anger, you ask? Well, I think it kind of kept shifting
back and forth between anger and sadness as I was still laying there
in our bed. It was like a legitimate rollercoaster ride of emotion
where I just shut my eyes and went wherever my feelings dragger me
to. And man, there were some twists and turns and loops and
corkscrews and all that shit you would normally find on a really
great rollercoaster, except that the experience for me wasn't great
at all. It was more like one of those rides where the security
paddings or whatever push down on your bladder hard enough for you to
believe you'll pee your pants. Then, of course, before you know it
you're up in the air spinning around afraid of becoming a fucking
human sprinkler of urine. Now that's a rollercoaster ride I would
have preferred not to experience! Yet I did.
They
say a person's body cannot deal with full-blown anxiety for more than
two hours at a time. This I can testify to, as I did feel my anguish
gradually subside. In the end, I just stood there with my eyes dry
and my throat hoarse from all the weeping. Suddenly, what I felt was
peace. For a moment I'd felt like I was going to die – and,
emotionally, I'm pretty sure I must have come close –, but then a
bizarre thought just came to me: What if I don't care? What if just
stop giving a rat's behind about the thing that happened. I mean,
sure, of course being cheated on sucks, but what if I just give into
that suction? What if I just stop fighting what's already happened
and, you know, just live with it. Like here I am wrapping my brain
around this subject that's all touchy-touchy, although I could just
give up and let it be. Indeed, that is the old Beatles classic coming
back to haunt me and it's certainly not only speaking words of wisdom
– it's fucking shouting!
Screw
it. That's what I said, but not in an aggressive manner. I said it
with full acceptance of what is. Why fight what's already there?
During my stint with unfathomable pain, I'd learned how to distance
myself from my ride of emotions better. No longer was I just an
obedient slave to my thoughts and feelings, I was more the slave
master, although benevolent and humane at that. Like a pilot of my
own damn airplane, I was in control. Deep within I knew I could
survive whatever obstacle, and why wouldn't I? I'd already survived a
knife, a nuke and of course – being a human sprinkler of urine. How
could anything ever phase me anymore?
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